When will the time come

When will the time come when I lose this weight that has controled my life??? I feel as if I will be fat forever. The very thought of that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to give my diet too much control, yet I know I need to closley monitor it. What to do. HELP!!

I wish I was rich so that I could hire someone to be constantly on my back about what I eat. Someone to workout with me. Someone to eat haelthy with me. Some encouragement, even if it were fake. Anyhting, something.

I have been thinkng of my nonexistant acting, singing and writing career and see it going places but also see it going nowhere. Why?? Because of me and my weight. I have such big dreams yet "me" won't let my dreams come true. I am not working hard towards anything. I haven't worked on my screenplay in months, I haven't made any plans to take acting lessons..NOTHING!! Everytime I think about what I want to do with my life, I start to get excited, then I start to think about how many years I've wasted, then I start to realize that I am about to be 25 with nothing good comming out of my life....exept for my husband and God..which are two GREAT things.

I need to pray about this and figure out how I am going to learn to love myself and accept myself. I did absolutly nothing today exept or watch TV and cook. I have workout clothes on as if I am going to workout. Feeling sad and lonley for no apparent reason. My husband is dilliently working on a project as usual. He is so smart. I love him. He always tries to include me but...I just hardly ever want to.

Anyway, I guess i'll go throw in an exersize tape or something.

fattygirl out