Unexplained rant

I have this unexplained sadness today. I should be happy because the last day of my job is Monday 2/28. I don't know what is wrong. I had an interview today. Well, it went really. I hope I get it. I will be making less but it's okay. I have been trying real hard lately to connect with old friends. I emailed a few old friends. They replied but....I just did not feel a connection like I used to.

I have been feeling rather inadequate lately. DAMN...sad AND inadequate!! What the hell is wrong with me. I am starting to believe that I need an antidepressant. Actually, about 3 years ago, I went to a psychiatrist and was given a prescription for prozac. I did not fill the prescription though. I was too scared, of what? I don't know. I think I will be going back to a psychiatrist for a mood stabalizer. Anyway, I have been feeling inadequate because of my looks. I do not usually swoon over celebs looks because I know makeup is what makes them beautiful, but Beyonce is .....just gorgeous. Even without make up. That sucks. Her body is fab, her hair is pretty and she is rich. She seems to have tons of love and looks real happy. I hate her and love her. I am so jealous. I know I am talking stupid, but I just needed to rant. I wish I had her singing talent. I sing as well but I am not using my talent for anything. My hsband encourages me...but I feel that these days, LOOKS are almost everything. Look at how many girls and women are singers and CAN'T sing, yet they have a hit album and people love them. That sucks. The people who don't get as much airplay are the REAL singers. Like India.Arie and Jill Scott and Geopele (sp?). What can i do?. I write songs about issues like this. Did I mention that I can also act? Yep! I am writing a screenplay but I need to dedicate myself more.

I finally told my mother that I quit my job. She was not very thrilled to say the least and said "well, I hope you found another job first". When I told her "no". she said "well...good luck." She said she was happy for me because I was so strssed but wished I would have found another job before I did. What she does not understand is that looking for a job is like......well..... a full time job in itself. Are you with me?

No?

That's ok. I am tired. Goodnight.

Blurred Vision

This past week has been nothing but a blur of the foods that ate. I have eaten everything. My eyes have literally watered while I have been eating because I eat so fast espescially when I am out in public. What's up with that??? I don't know if I'l be able to stop. I am so afraid of weighing myself. I know I've gained about 10 lbs. Today I ate ice cream, cake, chips, bowls of cereal, bowls of homemade soup almost non-stop. It's almost like I am trying to ....stuff something. I need some support. It's not that my family does not give me support, but they do not understand me. I feel alone sometimes. I wounder why.
I need to stop this!!! My last day of the most stressful job in my life is over in a week, I have a job interview on thursay that I think I am going to get which will give me a month off and my husband and I are doing a party for our friend which may launch our buisness. I need to pray to my God for some greatfulness.....and some patience.

Ugliness

February was supposed to be MY month. This was supposed to be the month where nothing stands in the way of my weight loss....so how come it's 2/14/05 and I haven't exercized since ......january. I feel my ugliest today. My husband and I purchased a digital cammara and I have been taking pics of myself left and right. The problem is no matter what angle it's comming from or what pose I'm in...I am still ugly and fat. I know I KNOW I shoulld not be talking about myself like this, but a picture is supposed to say a thousand words. My pictures are saying just two;FAT and UGLY. I have been eating nearly everthing in sight. I am so anxious and nervous and sad and angry all at once. Food is the only thing that calms me down. It's sooo soothing. I feel like I am making love at times. I have such a love affair with food that at times I want to cry while I am eating and cry when I want food and it's not there...just like a lover. It's sad.
I finally quit my job. YUP!! I honestly HATE, no LOATH, no DESPISE my supervisor. She has been picking on me since day ONE. In my felid, social work, it's all about the money. I work for a non profit and all they DO is focus ON profit. In social work, there is always a chain of consultants so-to-speak. Every few months, a consultant comes and views our work. I made sure I worked hard this time around, but it just was not enough. He told me my work wasn't any better. I had had it!!. That monday, 1/31/05, i handed in my resignation letter. My supervisor told me I should look within rather than quitting. I told her I had been looking within for the last nearly two years at this hell hole. She's a real BITCH! My last day is 2/28. I feel free already!! i have a job interview on the 24th. I hope I get it. It's in the same feild but about 75% less stress. If I get it, I won't have to work until April. I am praying to GOD that I get this job. It will give me a month to recoup. My new month, and new begining, will be when I leave this job. I promise myself never to get a job so stressful again. After I get a new job, It will be ALL about my husbands and my buisness. I will write more about that in my next post.
So Long!!