Change is good

I am a funny girl you know that? All that talking about how I was gonna change. Actually, what happened was that on Friday, I began to feel extremely depressed. I was fighting back tears all day. I can't figure out why I get depressed. It's been happening to me as long as I can remember. I would be fine one day and the next I was literally close to suicide, then the day after I would be fine.

I have a feeling I know why I was feeling the way I was. I started thinking back to my childhood and although those were some of the worst years of my life, I miss it. The demands of adulthood are just too much for me at times. At least as a child I did not have to worry about work and bills. Not a care in the world....execpt for my weight. I let my weight literally steal my childhood. Although I grew up in a poor black neighborhood, I could still go out and play. I didn't. I could still go ride a bike. I didn't. There was a nearby track where families would go run and play. I didn't. I felt the need to stay in the house and get depressed. This was from about age 10 on. As a teenager it got a little better. I was going out but I was eating half the time. I remember going out with friends and thinking about food most of the time while my friends wanted to walk around on a "boyhunt". That was fine but could we pick up something to eat on the way? It's sad when I think about this but most of my life I have also been trying to lose weight. What I should say is "thinking about" my weight. I have been trying to connect my present weight loss efforts and my past weight loss efforts and I have the same beginning, middle and end. I begin with the idea of losing weight and being fed up with myself and not fitting into anything. So I try to eat healthier. I do good for a while until the middle comes. I get depressed for whatever reason (job stress, marriage stress, mother stress, financial stress) and I desperately need something salty or meaty or bready knowing that this will not solve the problem. I get something salty, meaty, bready anyway. I start to feel like shit after eating and then the end comes. The problem that I have come to realize is that whenever I am forced to deal with my emotions naturally, like everybody else, I just can't do it. Rather I won't do it. It's like asking me to eat dog shit. I WON'T do it. I am glad I saw this because I need to deal with my emotions head on.

Today and yesterday were good days for me. I worked out with my hubby on Saturday. I ran errands and felt better than I felt since leaving my job. I had black bean soup with homemade vegan cornbread for breakfast. I had tofu eggless salad on wheat for lunch and later on, since I slept through dinner, I had hummus with homemade vegan PITA bread. Today, I had tofu eggless salad on wheat with about half a cup of frosted flakes with soy milk. I had homemade vegan pizza topped with tomato sauce, red onions, spinach, vegan cheese and garlic. I teamed it up with a salad made with cord, chickpeas, grated carrots, red onion, mango and garlic and basil vinaigrette. For dinner I am going to make garlic & parsley pasta with garlic bread (low fat of course) and my salad. This tastes as good as it looks to read. TRUST me!!

I am feeling good. I want to change for the better. Change is good. I am planning to work out later tonight. Have a good one!!

270.5

Need I say more than the tiltle? This is my all time high weight yet my all time low point. How long will I torture my body? My poor temple that God has asked me to keep holy. I feel so guilty. I have betrayed my body. No wonder my body has not been good to me. Aches and pains. Barely there menstral cycle. Uncomfortable nights of sleep.....the list goes on and on.

Well, it's a new day. Thank you God. I will no longer abuse my body. I will learn to deal with emotional ups and downs. I will find a coping skill. Can you imagine my coping skill is crying and eating? No more guilt for eating. I am a human being dammit.

Enough of the talk. It's time for action!

Low Point

I think I have reached a new low point. Here I thought that my low point was my old job and the stress it brought me, but now?....Now, I am....just so .......depressed. I have been doing nothing but slepping this month. Correction; sleeping AND eating. I must have gained 10 lbs. I look horrible and feel horrible. Worst of all, I am not sure if I got this new job. I have been calling this lady who interviwed me and she has not returned my call. I am begining to get panicky. So panicked that I have been eating like a hog. I am such a fat hog. (okay, calm down, breath). What happened to all my promises for this month?; to get healthier, lose weight, regroup. The only thing i've lost is my mind. I feel like PURE SHIT. I am at loss for words. I really have nothing to say because nothing has happened. Oh well. Now that I think of it, yesterday my computer hard drive failed and to make a long story short...every single document I have, is gone. Yup, gone. All of my pictures, all of my documents. I can't even think about it right now. I was writing a screenplay and guess what? GONE. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!