When will the time come

When will the time come when I lose this weight that has controled my life??? I feel as if I will be fat forever. The very thought of that makes me want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't want to give my diet too much control, yet I know I need to closley monitor it. What to do. HELP!!

I wish I was rich so that I could hire someone to be constantly on my back about what I eat. Someone to workout with me. Someone to eat haelthy with me. Some encouragement, even if it were fake. Anyhting, something.

I have been thinkng of my nonexistant acting, singing and writing career and see it going places but also see it going nowhere. Why?? Because of me and my weight. I have such big dreams yet "me" won't let my dreams come true. I am not working hard towards anything. I haven't worked on my screenplay in months, I haven't made any plans to take acting lessons..NOTHING!! Everytime I think about what I want to do with my life, I start to get excited, then I start to think about how many years I've wasted, then I start to realize that I am about to be 25 with nothing good comming out of my life....exept for my husband and God..which are two GREAT things.

I need to pray about this and figure out how I am going to learn to love myself and accept myself. I did absolutly nothing today exept or watch TV and cook. I have workout clothes on as if I am going to workout. Feeling sad and lonley for no apparent reason. My husband is dilliently working on a project as usual. He is so smart. I love him. He always tries to include me but...I just hardly ever want to.

Anyway, I guess i'll go throw in an exersize tape or something.

fattygirl out

New yet same

Well, I got a new job...So wy do I still feel like crap. Well for one, I am very greatful that I got this job BUT, My supervisor is mean. I am still adjusting. I just started in August. Why is it that almost every non-profit agency is the same? It seems like they are all...shitty. Nonprofits are ironically all about money. Nonprofit=more profit in my opinion. But enough about that...

I joined a gym. Yep good old New York Sports club. It's expensive as hell but I have been going. Actually, I have not been there this week. I plan to go tommorow Saturday to take an African Dance class. Oh yeah, and I have been eating like a pig. I am now up to 275, which is weird because the personal trainer at my gym weighed me and told me I was 250. Weird but true. Other than that I am doing ..ok. I still have not got the courage to take any acting classes. I stil feel depressed at times and I am not on good terms with my mother, but at least I have a cash flow comming in.

Fattygirl out