Strange Life

Life is so strange sometimes. One day, you think you know what you want, the next you realize you want something else. The past few weeks, I have been battling depression as well as my dh. Right now all is well with dh, but there is always something else isn’t there?

One of my co-workers and also a dear friend, just found out she was pregnant. I was not all prepared as to how I would react. I nearly cried instantly. I was so wildly jealous that I just felt empty and angry. The fact that someone who had not planned to get pregnant got pregnant, even angered me more. What is it that I want out of life? I REALLY thought that I had convinced myself that I did not want kids yet; all of a sudden this news rocked my little world. She knows me so well that she can read me and just knew that I was sad out of my mind. I explained to her that I was jealous and envious. It’s difficult when you’ve been married for 5 years with no baby yet.

I feel horrible that I feel jealous of her. I am very selfish in my thinking. She really needs friends now and all I can think about is myself. I am fighting emotionally not to cry in front of her or show her that I am depressed out of my mind. What am I going to do for the next 9 months of her pregnancy?

I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings and luckily, she understood.

As I said before, the past few weeks have been hectic emotionally. One thing positive though, is that I dropped a pant size. Not sure how, but my pants are bigger on me, also, I had to put another notch in my belt.