It's a good life...........

Is there such a thing as a good marriage or life anymore? The divorce rate is rising, nobody values love anymore...including me. My marriage never seems to be working anymore. I feel like packing my things and running far away where no one can find me. I wish I could just save a bunch of money, quit my job and just take off. I feel as if I want a new life. My life is boring yet troubled. I seem to hate my husband more and more everytime we have an argument.

I had dinner with my brothers today, Their lives seem so much more fun than mine. I feel stagnant as if I am doing nothing with my life. I want to act, sing, take pictures, write, paint....But everything seems SO out of reach.

It's almost midnight and I need to prepare for work tomorrow. Work.....Ugh.

Manic Monday....Manic rant

Manic Mondays. They are no fun. They make you realize the reality of your life…at least mine anyway. I had a horrible day. Last night I had a huge fight with my husband and ended up getting about 4 hours of sleep. Needless to say, I did not make it to the gym. Work was overwhelming as usual. People in New York were rude as usual. Just another Manic Monday.

My eating was not great today either. Breakfast (11am) was a croissant with fattening cream cheese. At around 5 pm, I was at a friends house and had beef stew with rice and corn. Now at around 8pm, I am going to finish my dinner from yesterday. To top it all off I am broke as a joke.

I need some friends.

No. I don’t mean the ones where you know deep down in your heart you don’t like them. I am talking about:

The ones where you just know you will be friends with that person forever.

The ones who gives you honest advice because they love you and not just because they want you to agree with what they are saying.

The ones that want to see you happy no matter what.

The ones that you are not afraid to cry in front of.

The ones that you know God put on earth for you.

Why is it so hard to find people like that? I am tired of portraying the friend I wish I had rather than having an actual friend like that. So tired. I feel like my husband is my only friend. I can forgive him in a second and forget about him hurting me and know he can do the same thing. He is my biggest supporter. My only. I am going on and on. Am I making sense?

Dear God. Help me to make sense of my life. Help me to find some support.

274......

274.

And this weight is after I worked out almost consistently for about 3 weeks. I feel like giving up so badly. Something inside me tells me I can do it. But the other side of me tells me to start looking into Gastric Bypass Surgery. What should I do? I need more support. I should seriously form a circle of support online.

Also, I have been eating so horribly. Eating meat again has really caused me to feel sickly and lethargic. It’s also all the fat I have been eating. I am really thinking of being a vegan again, but this time a healthy vegan. This takes a lot of strategy.

I have been having problems at work again. I realized that I chose the wrong field. I thought that I wanted to help people. Now I see that I need help myself. How can I help these people when I can’t even help myself? My supervisor is just horrible. I am going to stay silent because that is what I do best. I have a very calm disposition, but when the time comes, she’d better watch out!! I am so tired of my stupid supervisor! She is not a very smart woman.

Not articulate, but tries to be.
Not confident, but tries act like she is.
Not nice, but thinks she is.

What is the deal with some supervisors anyway? Especially in a non-profit agency. My husband made a great analogy. He said “babe, supervisors are like house slaves. They think they are better than the cotton picking slaves, but to the ‘masters’ eyes, they are just the same.” If you could see the way this lady “shuck n’ jive” you would be embarrassed for her. Unfortunately, she does not see this and I am not going to even bother telling her. I am happy I am the age I am now. Being 25 makes me see what I don’t want to be when I am my supervisor’s age; lost. I really almost feel sorry for her….blah!! Screw her. She ain’t thinking about me now, so why should I waste my time!!

On a brighter note, I was feeling down today and decided to put my digital camara to use. I went out for a nature walk and took some pictures. This is my favorite one. Such a beautiful scene in a not so good neighborhood (according to statistics anyway). NYC is weird like that. Ironic.

I am going to the gym in the morning with a vengeance! My goal is to go 5 days this week. I can’t give up. After all, 274 lbs is better than my highest weight of 283 right?